News

Grief, loss and death are part of being human but even for adults, it can be really challenging going through grief. Parents and carers often find it difficult to know how or what to say to children when a loved one is nearing end of life or once they have passed.

Why is supporting children with grief and loss important?

Children deserve to know all their feelings and questions are okay, even if we don’t always have the answers. If adults don’t communicate with children about grief and dying, then there is a risk children will make up their own story about what’s happening, and this might be entirely incorrect. It might also leave children feeling alone or scared. It’s important they know the adults in their life are willing to talk to them about it whenever they need to.

Are their differences in how children grieve compared to adults?

Whilst grief is common for all of us, how humans express and experience it is very individual. I’ve seen parents of the same child grieve differently and even twins grieve differently. Babies, toddlers and some preschoolers don’t understand death but do sense that their loved ones are feeling different or that they’re not as present. This might make them more unsettled or clingy. Primary school aged children have varying levels of understanding about death. Some children might seem as though they are unaffected (but might ask questions months or years later), others might be withdrawn or act out more. Some might become clingy or feel like they need to look after their bereaved parent.

What resources do you use with children to help them understand and talk about grief and loss?

There are some wonderful resources available to help adults support children. One of the most useful resources is the trusted adults in the child’s life being open to talk and be present.

The language adults use is also important. Children need to hear the words ‘dead’ and ‘died’ because phrases like ‘gone to sleep’ can lead to children being fearful of themselves or their loved ones sleeping. Once your child reaches a stage where they understand that, ‘passed away’ or ‘gone to sleep’ means ‘died’, then it’s okay to use these terms.

For young children and older children who are neurodivergent, looking at examples from nature, like flowers and animals, to explain alive vs dead can be helpful. Children might benefit from explanations using pictures or 3D models of how the heart, lungs and brain relate to life and death. It is helpful to let children know that once a person has died, they no longer feel pain, cold, hunger or thirst.

Sitting and reading a book with a child can be a helpful way for both children and adults to process their grief. I always recommend that adults read a book before sharing it with their child to ensure that they are comfortable with the content and that it fits with their beliefs and values. Books don’t need to be read from cover to cover, sometimes, there might just be a particular section that is relevant.

Some of my personal favourites to share with preschool and primary-aged children include:

• Beginnings and Endings with Lifetimes in Between, by Bryan Mellonie and Robert  Ingpen
• The Grief Wave, by Trace Moroney
• Everywhere, Still, by M. H. Clark
• The Memory Box, by Joanna Rowland
• Life is Like the Wind, by Shona Innes

For adolescents and young adults:

• Words of Comfort, by Rebekah Ballagh

Other supportive professionals who might be available during this time include Social Workers, Palliative Care Counsellors, Aboriginal Health Workers, School Counsellors or Wellbeing Officers, Religious and/ or Spiritual staff.

Finally, what advice do you have for family who are supporting children through grief and loss?

You know your child best, so any ‘advice’ is just, ‘here are some ideas that have been helpful for others, but you decide.’

You may want to consider:

• The development of your child/ren, not all 10-year-olds are the same.
• When adult conversations are happening, be mindful of children in another room or with headphones on – assume they are listening and paying attention to what you are saying.
• Be honest – this doesn’t mean you need to give every bit of information. Think about building a house, start with the basic, foundation information, then slowly add other parts over time.
• Whilst having tough conversations, some children might feel more comfortable drawing or playing (eg: dolls, cars, construction toys, sensory toys, throwing a ball together).
• Where possible, keep children in their usual routine as much as possible as this helps to ‘normalise’ their life.
• Letting their preschool or school know what’s going on and asking the child how they might want their school to support them. Some children want their school to know but not to mention it to them as school can be a place of respite.
• It’s okay to cry in front of children. It helps them to see that all emotions are okay.
• Reach out for your own support. This can be both beneficial for you but helps you to be in a clearer head space to support your children. See all the great resources here on the CarerHelp website.

For more suggestions on managing grief, visit https://www.carerhelp.com.au/Carer-Pathways/Pathway-5-After-Caring

–

Written by Joanne Rogan, Paediatric Palliative Care Grief Counsellor

Joanne Rogan is a Grief and Bereavement Counsellor in a multi-disciplinary Paediatric Palliative Care team at a Children’s Hospital. She offers ongoing bereavement counselling support to families whose child has been known to the Palliative Care Team.

This article was originally published on the CarerHelp website and is published here with permission.