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Resilience is something we all draw upon when supporting others through grief and change. It is also our inner capacity to overcome the most difficult times in our lives. Resilience helps us stay present, compassionate, and steady, while also caring for our own wellbeing.

In her powerful TED Talk, Dr Lucy Hone shares “The Three Secrets of Resilient People“. As a resilience researcher and bereaved mother, Lucy offers insights that are both evidence-based and deeply personal. After the devastating loss of her 12-year-old daughter, she began exploring not just how people survive hardship, but how they live through it with intention and strength.

Her message speaks directly to anyone who experiences or witnesses grief up close and wants to acknowledge suffering without being overwhelmed by it.

Suffering is part of life

Resilience isn’t about avoiding pain or pretending everything is fine. It is about recognising that suffering is part of the human experience. As Lucy says, “If you’re alive, you’re going to face some tough times.”

This perspective can be grounding. It reminds us that hardship is not a personal failure, nor is it something that has singled us out unfairly. For volunteers and community members supporting those facing illness or loss, gently acknowledging this shared humanity can reduce isolation and create space for honest conversations.

Where you place your attention matters

Make gratitude a focus. While we cannot change many of the circumstances surrounding illness or grief, we can influence where we place our attention.

Our brains are wired to scan for danger and problems. In times of crisis, this can heighten stress. A small daily practice, such as noticing “three good things” that happened, can strengthen emotional resilience and cultivate gratitude.

For volunteers, this might mean helping someone notice meaningful moments, such as a shared laugh, a visit from family, or the comfort of being at home. Even in the midst of decline or loss, moments of connection and meaning still exist.

Ask: “Is what I’m doing helping or harming me?”

This question puts us back in the driver’s seat. It helps us notice when our thoughts or habits are adding to our distress and gently redirects us toward what is supportive instead.

For volunteers and carers, this might mean recognising when you need rest, debriefing, firmer boundaries, or more support. Caring for others does not require sacrificing your own wellbeing.

Resilience is not about being unbreakable

Resilience is not toughness, denial, or the absence of grief. It is about how we engage with difficulty while staying connected to ourselves, to others, and to what matters most.

The strategies Dr Lucy Hone shares are learnable. They are not about forced positivity, but about small, intentional shifts in perspective. In palliative care and grief support, we see every day that strength is often quiet and found in presence. Grief is unavoidable, but it is possible to move through adversity with greater awareness and kindness, both toward ourselves and toward others.

If you would like to watch the full TED Talk by Dr Lucy Hone, you can view it here.

Lucy is also featured as a guest on The Waiting Room Revolution podcast. Hosts Dr Samantha Winemaker, a palliative care doctor, and Dr Hsien Seow, a healthcare researcher, speak with Dr Hone about grief, loss, and how people can navigate life’s toughest moments with strength and compassion. The episode reinforces that while grief is a deeply personal journey, the way forward is often made possible through shared understanding, collective resilience, and compassionate connections. Listen to the episode here.

Lucy’s book, How Will I Ever Get Through This?, expands the conversation beyond bereavement to the many “living losses” (such as illness, separation, identity shifts, and uncertainty) people face. Using research-backed questions and stories, she helps readers find clarity, agency, and hope amid unwanted change. You can check out her book by clicking here.